The Basics

1. Make him stay at the shallow end to make sex better for you. U.S. sex gurus Masters and Johnson found that the outer third of the vagina is the most sensitive, so deep thrusting isn’t essential. Have him ‘dip’ the tip of his penis into your vagina - it’ll feel great for both of you.

2. Spice up your sex life by doing it in the cupboard under the stairs - seriously. Novelty is an intense aphrodisiac, and any unusual setting with strange sensations, smells and muffled sounds, will make sex feel new, upping the excitement.

3. Have your man sit on top of the washing machine while you have sex (you perched on top, with your legs wrapped around his waist). The vibrations carry through his penis, turning it into a wonderful vibrator.

4. Select the cottons cycle for the best results. It’s a warm wash so his bum won’t get cold, plus it has the longest, fastest spin. Feel those good vibrations.

5. By placing a pillow under your bottom you’re creating an orgasm optimum 26-degree pelvic tilt, which means maximum contact between his body and your clitoris. This way you’ll reach orgasm every time.

6. Go red. Colors create a sexy mood. Red, dark blue and violet are the three most erotic colors. And the least erotic? Gray.

7. Sex in the bath is fun but can be tricky. Try this: fill the bath halfway with water, then pour plenty of bath gel over each other’s bodies. With your man lying down in the bath, lie on top of him and, instead of going for penetrative sex, stimulate each other to climax by rubbing your body on his.

8. Good vibrations. Take turns with the Tongue Joy Oral Vibrator (from http://www.foryourpleasure.net/michellestoyroom), toy store or from my catalog). Strapped to your tongue, the vibrations stimulate nerve endings like you’ve never felt before.

9. Play Passion Throw. Nude. A Twister Like game from our catalog. A game for couples that can go anywhere you go!

10. Don’t go solo with your vibrator. Only 25% of women climax through penetrative sex alone, so get your man to pleasure you with a sex toy while he’s at it.

11. Ask him to talk to you when he’s going down on you. The vibrations from his voice and the unpredictability of it will make you come even quicker.

12. Feed your man cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon if you’re planning to give him oral pleasure. It’ll make his semen taste nicer.

13. And don’t let him near garlic, onions, curry or asparagus - all these foods will make his semen taste unpleasant.

14. Convince him to buy you more jewelry by masturbating him with a string of pearls. Use lots of lubrication, then wrap the pearls around the shaft of his penis, slowly stroking them up and down. They’ll add different levels of stimulation to the experience.

15. Ask him to use his nose when he’s going down on you. Most men genuinely love the smell of a woman and the nose makes an excellent clitoral stimulator. (Now you know why some women love men with big noses!)

16. If you enjoy outdoor sex, try this: take a drive to the country, open the car’s sunroof and perch yourself on the edge of it, with your legs dangling down inside. Now have your man - who is still inside the car - lick you to orgasm. If anyone should pass by, you’ll simply look like you’re sunbathing and, once you’re done, it’s his turn.

17. Have sex on a swivel chair to make sex really exciting. ‘The spinning sends fluid rushing around the balance mechanism in your inner ear,’ says Men’s Health medical editor Dr Keith Hopcroft, and this disorientation makes you feel like you’re floating. Get ready to land on Cloud 9.

Sexual positions

18. Make your man feel bigger inside you by placing your legs over his shoulders when having sex in the missionary position. Doing this shortens your vaginal canal, so he’ll feel much longer.

19. Lie face-down on the bed and invite your man to lie on top of you, keeping his legs outside yours. The squeeze of your thighs on his penis will intensify sensation for him and for you.

20. Sit on top of him with your feet tucked in tight either side of his bum. Now lean back as though you were riding a bucking bronco and enjoy the extra stimulation on the front wall of your vagina - an incredibly sensitive spot.

21. Make doggy style work for you. Kneel on the edge of the bed and put your face and upper chest on the mattress, so you create a ’slide’ with your back. This steep angle elongates the vaginal barrel, squeezing his penis. Plus you can enjoy the added stimulation on your nipples from the mattress!

22. Get extra clitoral stimulation in the classic ’spoons’ position with a simple body twist. Lying on your left sides, place your right leg over the top of his and your left leg between his. Now position yourself so you’re almost flat on your back. Grip his right leg and grind away - this is a sure-fire route to orgasm for you.

Edible Etiquette

23. Make oral sex better for you and for him with some ice cream. But don’t just spoon it on - buy an ice cream cone, bite off the end and slip it over his still-soft penis. Now add the ice cream and take your time nibbling and licking until he’s so hard that he breaks out of the cone! Who ever said ice cream was just for kids.

24. Use ice-cream topping to supercharge your sex: you get to choose where you get licked by painting numbers on yourselves. Simply start at number one, and lick your way through to 69.

25. Chill some grapes in the freezer for at least 20 minutes. Use them to trace shapes on each other’s bodies - the cold, wet sensation will send shivers up your spines.

26. Peel two thirds of a reasonably sized cucumber (make it organic, you don’t want pesticides on your skin), and leave in the freezer for 40 minutes. Have your man rub it over your breasts and inner thighs, and use it to stimulate his nipples and testicles. Just watch as his very own ‘cucumber’ stands to attention!

27. Forget unwieldy ice cubes for adding sensation to oral sex - pop a mouthful of frozen berries or tropical fruits in your mouth instead. They taste great and are a lot easier to hold in your mouth while he’s in your mouth.

28. Take turns pouring minty alcohol into your belly buttons, dipping your tongues and tracing shapes around each other’s bodies. Now gently blow to increase evaporation, which will add to the stimulation. Hopefully before you’re both the wrong side of squiffy and a funny shade of green.

29. Forget the old sex and chocolate recommendations - cheese contains more phenyl ethylamine, the chemical that gives you that chocolate ‘high’. So order a cheese platter after dinner and see if doesn’t get you both in the mood.

30. If you still prefer chocolate, make it plain rather than milk. The dark stuff has a much higher cocoa solids content (and therefore more feel-good chemicals).

31. To get him ready for sex in the morning, make him cereal with chopped apple and almonds - both have high levels of phenyl ethylamine, which will help get him in the mood.

32. Eat avocado to get in the mood for love. It’s loaded with the feel-good, pleasure-intensifying substance, phenyl ethylamine.

33. Take a swig of champagne before going down on him. Keep it in your mouths by creating a ’seal’ with your lips, then use your tongues to swirl the bubbles around the head of his penis. Nerve endings react to the bubbles, heightening sensation, and when he’s suitably satisfied he can do the same for you.

34. Most people know that mints can make oral sex even better (and is handy for freshening breath, too), but did you know that M&S’s Curiously Strong Mints are your best choice? ‘They contain peppermint oil, which has a higher content of menthol than spearmint, making them zingier in your mouth,’ says clinical nutritionist Farah Mohamed. And on your private parts.

Fire up your foreplay

35. Don’t be too gentle when you’re giving him a helping hand. Although you must never bend an erect penis (it can break), you do need to apply a fair amount of force when masturbating him - particularly when he’s about to come. If you’re still in doubt, try masturbating in front of each other - you’ll both be turned on and will get to see how it’s done.

36. Men do love the sensation of their penis deep inside your throat. Why? Because there are so many more nerve endings at the penis tip and, when it rubs on the back of your throat, it feels great. So, to get more of him inside you, try doing it with him standing and you kneeling so your chin is raised, elongating your throat.

37. If deep throat makes you gag, just use your hands. Use your lips to move up and down his shaft and form an ‘okay’ sign with your fingers, following your lips’ movement. This is the surest route to a mind-blowing orgasm for him.

38. Licking his penis like a lollipop is fine for foreplay but, if you’re trying to get him to orgasm, he needs some friction. Form your lips in a tight ‘O’ shape (covering your teeth), so that as you move up and down his shaft the foreskin moves too, and make an effort to stimulate the head of his penis with the flat of your tongue as you come up. Get this trick right and he’ll be more than happy to give you the tongue tickling you deserve too.

39. Don’t get stuck on sucking him - there’s nothing worse for a man than if a woman is ‘working’ too hard when giving fellatio. Relax, try to enjoy it, explore his penis with your tongue, lips and hands - don’t head-bob for hours on end in the hope that he’ll come soon. He’ll come a lot quicker if it feels like you’re enjoying it.

40. Sing to him while you give him oral pleasure. The lower the notes the more vibrations he’ll feel and, believe us, he won’t care if you’re in tune or not - it’ll feel great.

41. Explore his nether regions more fully. Many men don’t even realize how pleasurable anal stimulation can be until some adventurous explorer shows them how. Use loads of lubricant (you can’t have too much) and place your finger over his anus, initially stimulating it without penetrating. Once he’s comfortable you can edge your finger in slowly, and when it’s in an inch or so in, wiggle your finger in a ‘come hither’ motion. This stimulates his prostate gland, and you’ll be surprised at how much he loves it.

42. Watch porn. A recent poll undertaken by The Mirror newspaper found that women are just as aroused by watching erotic films as men. So get cozy on the sofa and stick on a video - we recommend starting with a film like 9 and a Half Weeks or Emmanuelle.

Bring out the animal

43. Go ape to improve your sex life. Gorillas may have tiny penises (less than 3cm long) but they make up for it with hours of arousing mutual grooming. Doing this releases pleasure-inducing brain chemicals and makes great foreplay. Have your man wash your hair or ask him to rub your body lotion in. Or offer to scrub his back while he’s in the bath. Who said sex had to be dirty?

44. Seals bite each other during sex and it seems there’s good reason for it. ‘Gentle biting brings blood to the surface of the skin,’ says sex expert Petra Boynton, ‘making it more sensitive to touch.’ Your reactions to each kiss or caress will be intensified, making you both come more quickly.

45. But avoid biting like a mink. These furry creatures also enjoy a good nibble but, sometimes, the males get it wrong and accidentally pierce the female’s brain, killing her. Use a code word during sex to indicate that something is hurting or un-pleasurable. Choose a word that you wouldn’t normally say during sex, such as Coventry for example.

46. Tease your man into training by telling him about the male giant water bug. This unfeasibly energetic aquatic critter goes at it for 36 hours - non-stop! Persuade him to do at least three 30-minute sessions of rowing, cycling or running a week - he’ll soon be winning gold in the sexual Olympics too.

What men REALLY think….

47. ‘When my girlfriend’s on top, she sometimes does this extra-special move: instead of moving up and down, she does a figure-of-eight swivel with her hips. It really works for me.’

48. ‘I met this Croatian girl last year who kept a bottle of vodka in the freezer. When we had sex, she’d drink some, then lick my nipples and my neck, lightly blowing on the area afterwards. Amazing.’

49. ‘I love it when a girl stimulates me with her hands while she’s standing behind me. Not being able to see her makes it feel naughty, plus it rids her of any inhibitions.’

50. ‘There’s nothing better than having a girl wrap her legs around you, locking her ankles together. That way she’s got leverage to push back at you with every thrust.’

51. ‘I just love it when a girl keeps some of her clothes on during sex - skirt, shirt or, better still, boots or stilettos. It makes it feel illicit - and so arousing.’

52. ‘My girlfriend loves going down on me while I’m still soft. It really turns her on to think that she can make me hard with a few flicks and twists of her tongue. And it feels great to get hard in her mouth.’

53. ‘After my partner had our second child, she did pelvic exercises called Kegeling to strengthen her vaginal muscles. A few months later, the sex was better than ever.’ Women can also try Shrink Cream located on page 10 of my catalog. It is an incredible cream used in the vaginal area to temporarily tighten the passage. Ben-Wa balls can also be used to strengthen the vaginal muscles.

54. ‘The best oral sex involves more than a mouth and tongue. If a girl uses her hands and feels my abs or my bum while she’s going down on me, it gives me the strongest orgasm.’

55. ‘My wife’s just had a baby, so sex feels different now. But she’s developed this great new trick: she slips her hand down between us, with two fingers either side of the base of my penis. The extra friction makes me come really easily and the pressure on her clitoris makes her orgasm too.’

56. ‘Penetration isn’t essential for a great orgasm. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to sit on top of me, with my penis flattened against my stomach. Then she’d slide herself up and down the shaft without letting it go inside her. If I shut my eyes it felt exactly like a mouth.’

57. ‘My girlfriend ties a stocking around the base of my penis before it’s erect. Then she licks me till I’m hard. She keeps licking and sucking, but when she senses I’m about to come, she pulls the stocking a little tighter, loosening it again when the moment’s passed. When I finally do come, it’s really powerful.’

58. ‘I get embarrassed by the idea of my wife tying me up, but sometimes she simply holds me down by the wrists. It’s great feeling like I’m at her mercy but without the silly props.’

59. ‘When performing oral sex, put your tongue inside her vagina and move it around before taking it out, and licking upwards, kissing and gently sucking the clitoris as you go’.

60. ‘We’ve got a mirror in the wardrobe next to our bed, and I just love it when my girlfriend’s on top with her back diagonally on to it. I get to watch the action from behind and the front! Better than any porn film.’

61. ‘When I go down on my girlfriend she lies on her side with one foot flat on the bed and her knee bent, and I lick her side-on, rather than lengthways. I find it much easier to get to her clitoris, and once I’m done she’s more than happy to return the favour.’

62. ‘My girlfriend and I cover ourselves in baby oil, then once I’m inside her she lies flat on top of me. The full-body contact as she slides up and down feels phenomenal.’

63. ‘When my partner goes down on me I love him to do a “come here” signal very slowly with two fingers inside me, especially if he’s gently licking my clit at the same time.’

64. ‘Set the scene by dressing-up in sexy underwear, light candles and put on some soft background music. Answer the door wearing a bathrobe and, once the door is closed, reveal what’s beneath the robe”

65. ‘My partner and I like it if, during foreplay, I masturbate him to the point of climax and then move straight on to sex. This makes him last longer, without making him sore from too much penetrative sex’.

66. I get great clitoral stimulation when my partner lies on top and slightly to the side so I have one leg up slightly and bent, and the other flat. Instead of him just moving in and out, he also grinds, rubbing against me as I lift up and into him.

67. Dare to go bare with a Brazilian wax. ‘At first I felt a bit naked, but my boyfriend was so turned on that it made me feel sexier. Plus, having no hair down there makes that area extra sensitive’.

68. ‘Ban your hands! Explore each other’s bodies with your nose, tongue, lips, hair, knees, toes - you’ll be amazed at how sensational it feels.’

69. Pick your favorite bits from this article and read out some of the suggestions to your partner. Ask him what he thinks - it’s a subtle but effective way to kick-start frank discussion about your fantasies.

What are Sex Toys?

Sex Toys are a general term which covers everything from the classic vibrators through to things like penis rings, which can also have medical benefits. Some of the basic categories are;

Non-vibrating Dildos/Dongs - Usually phallic shaped, to be used by inserting into the vagina or anus for stimulation. They can be made of plastic, silicone, latex, and more ‘artful’ ones are now being produced using glass and metal.

Vibrators - These are often phallic in design, but other shapes such as curves (to hit the G-Spot) and now even the rubber duckies are becoming very popular. They have one or more motors which power rotating weights causing them to ‘vibrate’. The more expensive ones have better, and more, motors, often with variable speed settings. They vary in size from lipstick sized to many inches in length.

Deluxe Vibrators - The “Rabbit” style of vibrator which was popularized by the US TV show, Sex in the City. The difference is that a rabbit vibrator has an additional ‘limb’ that is designed to vibrate on and stimulate the clitoris, whilst the main shaft is inserted into the vagina. These can also be used by men, for anal penetration, using the external vibrator to tickle the scrotum. The ultimate for Three-way stimulation, they excite the labia, G-Spot and clitoris simultaneously for truly explosive orgasms!

Eggs & Bullets - A type of mini vibrator, usually with a separate battery pack. Just a very small, egg or bullet shaped object which vibrates. Can be used to stimulate both men and women, but usually not recommended for internal use as most are not waterproof. These are becoming increasingly popular as they can be put between a couple as they are making love, increasing stimulation without getting in the way.

Masturbators - Usually tube shaped toys for men to insert their penis into. Popular as a way of getting an orgasm through different feelings. Many are realistically styled to imitate the entrance to the vagina, anus or mouth for visual as well as physical stimulation. Many masturbators also feature a vibrating Egg or Bullet which is inserted into the sleeve to provide added stimulation.

Anal Beads - Specially designed for insertion into the anus. Standard vibrators should not be inserted into the anus because they do not have a flange to stop them being ’sucked up’ into the back passage. Anal beads and plugs all have a type of retainer to prevent this. Also toys of any type should not be used on both the anus and vagina because of the risk from bacteria.

Erection Rings

Erection Rings provide constriction at the base of the penis and testicles, resulting in both pleasure and firmer, lasting erections. How much added firmness and lasting power they provide depends on any number of factors, such as mood, medication, situation, and other physical factors–your individual experience may differ from time to time. Vibrating erection rings give vibration to the wearer and provide clitoral stimulation to a female partner during vaginal penetration — making a man into a vibrator.

Pumps

Suction pumps create a vacuum of air, drawing blood to the area to temporarily enlarge and heighten sensitivity to whatever is being pumped. Because human arousal causes blood to flow to genital areas, pumps are helpful in stimulating arousal. Pumps can be used for penis enlargement and some men report an overall increase over time, though there have been no studies to support these claims. Penis pumps can be handy for maintaining erection if upon removal they are immediately followed by the application of an erection ring. Never over pump an area; this may damage nerve endings and can harm capillaries, like when someone gives you a “hickey.” Pumps work well when used on shaved areas, and with a bit of lube or oil at the base to create a perfectly tight seal. Do not use pumps if you have medical conditions surrounding whatever area you’d like to pump (consult your doctor).

Strap-On’s

Sex Guide a strap-on is any harness that can be worn and holds a dildo, for penetration. They can be used to penetrate a lover vaginally, anally and orally. Harnesses come in leather, fabric, in a variety of sizes, and have numerous variations such as crotch-less, g-string style, and thigh harnesses. Most harnesses allow the user to remove the dildo for cleaning, and to change dildos for variety. Harnesses are used by all kinds of couples for all kinds of reasons and types of sex play.

Lube

One of the biggest myths about lubricant that it is only used by people who “need” it–when in fact it is used recreationally by pleasure seekers purely for the fact that extra-slippery sex feels incredible. Even people who lubricate quite well naturally love to use lube to increase their fun. Naturally well-lubricated, aroused women aren’t always wet when they want to be, and this can come from antihistamines, medications, mood, hormones and other factors. And for anal play, using lube is a requirement to prevent painful anal penetration.

Lubes come in many forms, and making a selection depends on personal preference and your intended use. Lubes come in varying consistencies such as thin (liquid), creamy (lotion), thick (gel) and silicone (similar to oil). Vaginal lubrication and male masturbation might go well with liquids and lotions, while anal sex requires the staying power of gel or silicone. “Water-based” and silicone lubes contain no oil, so they won’t break condoms. Also, oils are difficult to flush from the vaginal canal and can contribute to vaginal infections, so water-based and silicone lubes are highly recommended for vaginal use.

Silicone lube has incredible staying power, yet feels like a thin oil, and has been determined to be totally safe for vaginal use. Silicone lube does not absorb into the skin. Silicone lube may react with silicone sex toy materials, and we do not recommend using these together.

Flavored lubricants are fun for oral sex play, and come in a range of flavors. Select flavors that sound appealing. Warming Oils heat on contact, and warm even more when you blow on them. Warming oils typically contain oil that will destroy latex (condoms), so use them carefully, and women with vaginal sensitivities may want to only use flavored and warming lubes externally. The additive Nonoxynol-9 has been found to be an abrasive detergent that can harm sensitive internal surfaces; we recommend against using lube with this additive.

Condoms

Available in latex, non-latex (polyurethane) and animal skin, condoms prevent pregnancy and the spread of many viruses and infections. Animal skin condoms should only be relied on for pregnancy prevention; the small pores may allow transmission of some sexually transmitted infections. Oil of any kind will break a latex condom–that includes massage oils, cooking oils, baby oil, edible finger paints, and food substances such as whipped cream, chocolate and others. Blow up a balloon, rub a tiny bit of oil on it, and it will break in seconds (try it!). Polyurethane condoms are great for people with latex sensitivities, though they do not stretch and require lots of lube.

All condoms need lube; even latex will absorb moisture. Drip a drop or two of lube into the inside tip of a condom before rolling it on for added sensation for both of you, plus it will keep the condom resilient.

Extensions

Penis extensions are sleeves that slide on or unroll over a penis to add length and width, to reduce sensation, or simply for a different sensation for both sex partners. Most extensions are made of porous materials and should not be shared with other partners and should only be used vaginally or anally–never both. Clean the extension thoroughly after each use and rinse well; discard after a few uses to maintain a sanitary condition.

Sleeves

Male masturbation sleeves add a new dimension to men’s self-pleasure, and come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, materials, and themes. Some are simple tubes that provide sensation and constriction, yet they can range to large replicas of realistic anatomy with multiple openings and vibration. Something different than the usual masturbation routine, they can also add to fantasies such as sex with a porn star, or anal sex. They are made of porous materials and should be cleaned thoroughly after each use, and rinsed well. They can be warmed up in hot water, or cooled down in ice water for a twist (never boil or freeze). Sleeves should never be shared.

Choosing a sex toy for you or your partner

If you are a beginner with sex toys just remember, we all were once! Pleasure toys are much more common than society would have us believe. Introducing sex toys to a relationship is as much about the stimulation in communication it often brings, as the physical stimulation. As with anything you should start small and slowly and work up. This is so both you and your partner can see what enjoyment sex toys can bring without shock, or discomfort!

Smaller vibrators, and ones which don’t try and look overtly phallic are popular starter ones. Do remember to use good quality, water-based lubricant with all sex toys. It really makes a difference to being able to use them both internally and externally, even if there is plenty of natural lubrication. Lube is almost a sex toy in itself as hands and other parts feel very different when made very slippy!

If you want a toy that is completely non-phallic then try a waterproof sponge. Nobody can feel threatened or sleazy with these, and leaving it around the house isn’t a problem either. Excellent for a bath time back massage, and if things progress it can be even more enjoyable in the more sensitive areas.

Popular for couples looking to increase the pleasure from intercourse are vibrating cock-rings. So small that they just fit between you to stimulate the clitoris and feel good for the man too, without getting in the way. Again they are very disarming and non-threatening to the beginner. A great first toy!

Introducing a sex toy

People often worry about this a lot before they do it and then realize that the worry was completely unjustified and their partner was very ‘warm’ to the idea! Every situation is different and we can’t hope to give you a fool proof plan for everybody. Be sensitive and think about your partner’s feelings, timing can be all important. Whether you wrap it up as a present, leave it under the pillow in a black velvet bag, or introduce it into foreplay, giving your partner time to think about using toys will make all the difference when it comes to putting your toy to use.

If you have any queries about which type of toy may suit you, email your questions to Questions & Answers for discreet and personal advice.

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator

Volumes have been written on the topics of body-image and on self-esteem, but very little has been said about one important aspect of a woman’s self-perception… her sexual self-esteem. This is a delicate topic, but to understand it we are required to look unflinchingly at the psychological and sociological factors that influence a women’s concept of her sexual self. At the onset, however, let me first acknowledge two obvious things: First, I am a male (which for some readers will automatically disqualify me as an expert on this topic) and second, many women already have a marvelous sexual self-esteem (and what I will be saying will not apply). With this said, I will risk continuing.

Anatomically, young females see little of their genitals as they look down their bodies. Well know sexuality educator Jessie Potter had remarked that girls have “privates,” boys have “publics.” Because of female anatomy, I would suggest that for many girls their “privates” were also their “secrets.” A female’s genitals are not only secret from the world, they often remain secret for many of their owners.

There can be something exciting about having something secret. Mystery and intrigue surround things held secret, but things secret also have a more negative potential. If what is concealed by design and held in private by mandate is also portrayed as bad, anxiety and shame can become associated with it. The socially responsible message to “just say No” does not help a sexually response young woman deal with her erotic desire. If a teenager identifies this natural desire as ‘lust’ or as ’sin,’ she is likely to feel guilty about her sexuality and shameful of that part of her body that seems responsible.

Add to the perception of genitals as bad is the stereotype of a vulva as being ugly and smelly. The concept ‘dirty’ becomes associated with female genitals. A revered physician and sexuality educator, Dr. Mary Calderone, would often remind us that may women have grown up with the bizarre message, “Don’t touch yourself down there, it’s dirty. Save it for the one you love.” One must wonder, if what is down there is so dirty, why would a woman ever want to give it to someone she treasures?

To some extent, the well-intended messages about menstruation can also add to a young woman’s sexual self-consciousness. Menstruation is something that must remain hidden. Tampons don’t show, pads with wings keep the secret, and mini-pads allow for normal appearing movement. Belts went the way of the bell bottoms, so women no longer had to worry about telltale lines, I wonder how many women grew up thinking they were called ’sanitary pads’ because there was something sick or dirty about a very normal process. The cross section of a woman’s pelvis in the flier of a tampon box is drawn without a clitoris. A brochure on benign prostatic hypertrophy would never show a cross section of a man’s pelvis without including a penis. Boys have ‘publics,” girls have ‘privates!’

Aging women are faced with the challenge of maintaining a good sexual self-image in the face of the media presentation of sexy as a woman with a perfectly proportioned and remarkably firm body, and as sex as an activity engaged in by this perfect woman and a perfect male partner. Aging heterosexual women and lesbian women of all ages are disenfranchised by the notion attracting a sexy young man is the mark of a woman’s sexual attractiveness. Bodies change as we age, but we do not see these aging bodies in hot steamy love scenes. Sex is for the young, the beautiful and heterosexuals. There are jokes about we older folks doing it, or more often than not, about we older folks not doing it.

There is another problem that many older women have grown up with, but I think might finally be changing. This is the image of the passive female and the sexually aggressive male whose role is to seduce her. Once seduced, the woman having been turned on by the man is laid in a passive position and mounted, the male orchestrating the coital dance. Many women still in that supine position wonder why they are not reaching orgasm during intercourse, never realizing that the majority of women never do reach orgasm during intercourse and that the missionary position is one of the most ineffective ways to attempt to do so. Men in the superior posture act out their image as active, dominant, in control, and reliably orgasmic. The women on the bottom remain passive, receptive, to some extent helpless, and often wondering “Is that all there is?”

As I stated at the beginning of this article, many women have a wonderfully positive sense of sexual self-esteem, and most of these have probably quit reading this by now. Those of you who are still with me, bear with me a bit longer as I now attempt to offer some tips on improving your sexual self-esteem.

Get your genitals out of the closet. Perhaps nurses more than any other women have seen genitals with problems. They have not been sensual loving lustful vulvas… they have those that are infected, diseased, or injured. When was the last time you looked at yours, other than wondering about that itch or worried about that discharge. When did you last look and say to yourself, “Neat!” Take a hand mirror and with ample light, look and say “Hello” to that very special part of your body. Give your vulva a playful nickname! Take pride in your womanhood and remind yourself that there is nothing dirty or ugly or smelly about your body.

It is hard when a woman loses one or both breasts to cancer. Remind yourself that sexuality is not about anatomy, it is about attitude. It’s no secret that breasts change their appearance as women age… lots of things begin to sag. Reminisce joyfully about the firmness of your youth. Value your past without morning your loss. Stand in from of a mirror and find the angle that are most attractive. Look for the areas that are still sexy.

Take responsibility for your body and for your satisfaction. If you have never masturbated, give yourself permission to try… it really is a very effective way to own your body and your sexuality, not to mention learning what really does work best. If you have a partner, be more active, ask for what you want, and try new things. If that partner happens to be male, have him lay on his back and you mount him. The female superior position is very effective for many women, as they are able to control the movement and get the clitoral stimulation needed for maximum coital pleasure. (Typically this works best when the woman leans forward, stays in tight against her partner, and slides back and forth… rather than sliding up and down.) Take charge, be in control and get what you want. Most men love being “used.”

Allow yourself to have sexual fantasies in which you are the pursuer… the seducer. Wear comfortable underwear that helps you feel sexy. Do it for yourself, not for others. Be playful with your little harmless sexual secrets… chase away any old guilt or shame.

Talk to other women about the myth of the passive sexual female or the over-the-hill stereotype. Talk to your partner about your positive sexual attitude. Share your understanding of your own body and what you like and need. Flirt with your partner.

Remember, you are a complete sexual being, packaged in a marvelous body and capable of superb sexual experiences… of your choice

Getting involved with local organizations can shore up your store.

By: Frederick Lane

The adult industry has undergone remarkable changes in the last fifteen years, due largely to the growth of the web. The primary beneficiaries, of course, have been companies that moved some or all of their business online, or which were started specifically to take advantage of the new online environment. The remarkable rise of online pornography, combined with the apparent success of the religious right (particularly in the South), have raised the question whether there is much of a future for brick-and-mortar adult businesses.

DISADVANTAGES AND BENEFITS

It is certainly true that online businesses have some advantages over brick-and-mortar stores. Purely online businesses do not have to worry about the costs of infrastructure: property taxes, municipal fees, rent or mortgages, fixtures, and so on. There is less chance of community opposition when a business is online, compared to the protests that are held frequently in front of sex shops. Moreover, the lower profile for online businesses makes it less likely that crusading politicians will hold them up as an example of everything that’s wrong with society.

But the news is not all bad for traditional sex shops. Many are hedging their bets by adding an online element to their operations, which helps provide another revenue stream. Increasingly, as the adult industry matures and gains greater social acceptance, novelty stores and even video/magazine stores are accepted as responsible community members. Since adult businesses tend to weather hard times better than some other businesses, tolerance of adult businesses might be enhanced by the current economic situation.

JOINING THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE

But is there anything else that adult novelty businesses can do to boost their community standing and lessen the chances that a restrictive zoning ordinance will be adopted in their town? The local chamber of commerce might be one answer.

A chamber of commerce is typically a local or regional organization that provides various benefits to the business community, ranging from discounts on insurance, health care, and other services to lobbying at the local and state level. Not surprisingly, a key focus of a chamber of commerce is to provide networking opportunities for member business owners.

Admittedly, when one thinks sexually oriented business, “chamber of commerce” is not the first thing that pops into your head. And some chambers no doubt prefer it that way. Since local chambers are not government institutions (although they often work closely with city hall), they have the right to determine membership however they see fit. As a result, some conservative chambers might reject an adult business that had applied for membership.

But the majority of chambers would be welcoming, even pleasantly surprised, if area adult businesses decided to join. There are a surprising number of potential benefits for both sides.

ECONOMIC BENEFITS

What many people overlook is that chambers of commerce are themselves businesses, ones that rely on the membership fees of local establishments to survive. It’s a relatively rare chamber that would turn up its nose at the application fee and ongoing dues paid by a new member—even if that new member sells vibrators, lubricant, and French maid costumes.

Since most adult novelty stores qualify as small businesses, there are numerous reasons for owners to consider joining their local chamber. The chief economic benefits, as noted earlier, are the savings that the chamber arranges with various service providers. If you’ve put off getting health insurance or dental insurance, this can be a low-cost way to sign up.

Chamber membership can also lead to new advertising opportunities. Most chambers provide lists of member businesses, maintain a publicly accessible website, and offer various members-only marketing opportunities. None of these options will necessarily target an adult business’s core audience, but the possibilities shouldn’t be overlooked.

POLITICAL BENEFITS

The most important reason to consider joining a local chamber of commerce, however, is to have the chance to prevent restrictive zoning ordinances before they start. The two groups most likely to push for a sexually oriented business (SOB) zoning law are conservative religious groups and local businesses worried about the so-called secondary effects of adult businesses such as crime and decreased property values.

Unlike religious conservatives, however, local business owners are typically concerned more with economic issues than ideology. If you pay membership dues to a nearby chamber of commerce, attend some seminars or workshops on running a business, perhaps join a committee or two, and even show up at an occasional cocktail party, it is much less likely that the business community will be inclined to demonize your business.

Equally important, spending time with other local businesses will help you understand how you can minimize conflict. Acceptance of adult businesses is slowly growing, but that does not mean that they should operate in a rundown or overly provocative fashion.

Furthermore, membership in the local chamber of commerce is a clear sign that your goal is to work with other area businesses rather than consistently confront them.

The final thing to consider is that local chambers of commerce are typically a good source of political information. Some even lobby on behalf of their members, although it might be a bit much to expect that all but the most liberal chambers would advocate in favor of adult businesses. (That’s what the ACLU is for.) But at the very least, belonging to a chamber of commerce is a great way to know which way the political winds are blowing, particularly on the more conservative side of the spectrum. If a movement is underway to change a community’s zoning, you can be sure that the chamber will know about it. Even if it is not possible to stop a rezoning movement altogether, the chamber can be a good place to influence the process or learn who in the local political structure might be most amenable to your position. No matter what the issue is, more involvement and more information will only benefit you and your business.

You won’t find a chamber of commerce at any of the adult trade shows, but that does not mean adult businesses should not get involved. As the industry matures and becomes more mainstream, chamber membership is precisely the type of thing that can not only benefit your specific business but help the steady push towards a more sex-positive society.

Frederick Lane is an attorney, expert witness, lecturer, and author who has appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, the BBC, and MSNBC. He is currently finishing work on People in Glass Houses: The Right to Privacy in the Age of Electronic Voyeurism (Beacon, 2009). For additional information, call 802-318-4604 or visit FrederickLane.com or ComputerForensicsDigest.com.

Getting assistance has been on the minds of disabled people for quite some time but only recently has been discussed in a few academic articles and amongst community members in a variety of different venues. The most frequently-asked questions about sex and personal assistance services (PAS) are: With what types of sexual activities might an individual with disability need assistance? And, how would you find a person willing to assist with such a private yet important activity?

While choosing the right sex toy and/or modifying it can assist a person with a disability with being sexual, sometimes those changes are just not enough to help facilitate the activity. There are people with disabilities who may need assistance from another person for masturbation or having sex with someone else. PAS refers to a person assisting someone with a disability to perform tasks aimed at maintaining well-being, personal appearance, comfort, safety, and interaction with the community and society as a whole. And, while sex is not specifically included within the typical definition of PAS, it certainly does fall within the domain of “well-being.”

Below are examples of sexual activities that individuals with disabilities may need PAS for experiencing their sexual pleasure:

• Physical Impairments
• Removing clothes; positioning for masturbation; positioning for partner sex; transferring in and out of the wheelchair onto the floor, couch, or bed; stimulating a partner’s body with your hand or sex toy; stimulating your own body with a hand or sex toy; cleaning up and getting redressed; using birth control (condoms, diaphragm, birth control pill, etc.)
• Visual Impairments
• Preparation for sex; e.g., transportation to and from your partner’s location, shopping for sex toys, discussion and interpretation of sexual positions often only drawn in books
• Hearing Impairments
• Sign Language interpretation before and/or during sexual activity with a hearing partner, phone interpretation if TTY or other telecommunication services are not available

There is, of course, a wide array of what people need help with and who will agree to assist. For example, someone may need assistance with setting up to use a sex toy; e.g., taking the product out of its box, positioning it in a person’s hand, and turning on the power, but may be fine with actually stimulating herself/himself. On the other hand, another person may need help with the whole process; e.g., all of the above, plus, holding the sex toy in place where the person desires the stimulation. It is very important to think about these issues before you look for a personal assistant and ask for help.

Although people with disabilities have been using PAS for sex over the years, there has been much controversy about how one asks for such assistance and what others have found successful in negotiating such a relationship. Below are some ideas about how to prepare to and have a conversation with a potential personal assistant about helping with sexual activities:

• Develop a concrete list of activities with which you need assistance; e.g., removing clothes, masturbation, touching a partner, using a condom or diaphragm, using a sex toy
• Establish boundaries and rules; e.g., indicate how long you estimate that an assistant might stay in the room, and be able to identify the activities with which you do and do not want assistance
• Agree upon a communication system to be upheld between the assistant and the disabled person within the sexual encounter; e.g., establishing particular words, hand signals, eye blinks to indicate when to start, stop, and leave room
• Partner involvement when both individuals have disabilities; e.g., communicating with a partner about her/his physical abilities, feelings about assistance with sex, what her/his understanding of the assistant’s involvement is prior to interviewing a potential service provider
• Think about safety issues when choosing a provider; e.g., checking appropriate general references for this person, making sure that a friend knows what is going on and may be able to check in to see if the situation is safe, determining a way to call for help if you feel uncomfortable

Not surprisingly, this topic has been quite controversial for many reasons. Agencies that provide funding for PAS will not specifically indicate that they would approve sexual activity as one of the areas of basic needs for people with disabilities. However, bowel, bladder, and menstrual care are typically approved as appropriate activities.

Sex is personal, private, and a basic need. So what do people with disabilities do? They ask for assistance from friends or service providers other than their usual personal assistant. Most often they pay out of pocket for this service. Or sadly, some disabled people choose not to pursue their sexual experiences. While people without disabilities may take for granted their right to experience their sexuality, people with disabilities have to fight for this right at various times throughout their lives. Is it all worth it? Absolutely!

Dr. Linda R. Mona is a nationally recognized expert, and well-known advocate, for disability rights. She has authored numerous presentations and papers on the topic of sexuality and disability, in particular, and often runs workshops on this very important topic.

CONDOM DO’S!

Condom failure is more often due to user failure than product failure.

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1. Do store condoms property - away from heat, sunlight, excessive cold, moisture, fluorescent lights or any kind of friction against the package.
2. Do check the expiration date. Most companies have an expiration date on the box or the individual wrappers. Others put the date the condoms were made. When stored in a cool dry place condoms with spermicide have a shelf life of three years; those without spermicide have a shelf life of five years. It is a good idea not to use a condom whose expiration date is less than a year away.
3. Do use a condom with each act of sexual intercourse or change if the penis moves from the rectum to the vagina.
4. Do put a condom on before any contact is made between the penis and any part of the partners body. Any body fluid alone can spread sexually transmitted diseases.
5. Do unroll the condom completely before use.
6. Do use only water based lubricants on latex.
7. Do apply a small amount of lubricant both inside and out to prevent breakage.
8. Do put a small amount of spermicide in the tip of the condom if you are using the condom for birth control.
9. Do use un-lubricated condoms for oral sex.
10. Do pinch the end of the condom if there is no reservoir tip to leave room for the sperm to collect.
11. Do check the condom during sex, especially if it feels strange, to make sure it is still in place and unbroken.
12. Do stop if you feel a condom break, and withdraw immediately. Apply some contraceptive foam. Don’t douche or otherwise attempt to “wash out” the vagina or anus, as this only pushes the semen further inside.
13. Do grab the rim of the condom after ejaculation and before the penis gets soft and remove it from your partner.
14. Do wrap a used condom in a tissue and throw it in the trash. Dispose of your condoms properly and do not leave them lying around, especially if you have children or pets.
15. Do practice putting on a condom.
16. Do try different condoms and lubricants till you find the right products for YOU.

CONDOM DON’TS!

1. Don’t keep condoms in your wallet or glove compartment, pocket, wallet, or purse. And in a purse, keys, pens, or other sharp objects can damage a condom if it’s not in a protective case.
2. Don’t use a condom with a damaged package or if it is brittle, sticky or discolored.
3. Don’t use outdated condoms.
4. Don’t open a condom package with your teeth. The foil condom packet has a tear strip; use it. Also, once the condom is out of the package, handle it gently and be careful with fingernails or body jewelry around the penis or vagina.
5. Don’t use of oil-based lubricants (petroleum jelly, shortening, lotions). that weaken latex.
6. Don’t pull the condom on too tightly, with no room at the tip. If the condom doesn’t have a reservoir tip, squeeze the end to remove air, and leave a little room at the end.
7. Don’t use 2 condoms at the same time - the friction between the two can cause breakage.
8. Don’t use a male and a female condom at the same time.
9. Don’t reuse a condom.
10. Don’t flush them down the toilet.

Condoms are the most effective way of preventing STDs and HIV. Condoms are now manufactured to offer maximum protection and thin enough to not interfere with sexual pleasure. Condom failure is usually caused by incorrect usage.

If you are not familiar with condoms the best idea is to buy an assortment pack and try them all until you find the condoms that are right for you.

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If you don’t know what a condom is then you are from some other planet but the plain fact is - if you are not in a monogamous (exclusive) relationship where you and your partner have both been tested then a condom is a responsibility you owe yourself. In addition to HIV, there are more than fifty different types of diseases that can be passed through sexual activity and the only way to lessen your risk is to use a condom.  If your partner is not willing to use a condom it means they don’t care about themselves or you and it’s time to find a different partner.  Remember a condom can Save Your Life! So you don’t have to like them but you HAVE to use them so you might as well learn about them and then check out “Getting Creative with Condoms”!

TYPES OF CONDOMS
Now with that little lecture out of the way there are lots of things to know about condoms and which kind of condom you use is going to depend on what kind of sexual activity you are engaging in, penis size and last but not least - personal preference.  Most people don’t realize that condoms are classified as medical devices. Their production and marketing are regulated by the Food & Drug Administration. Every single condom is tested before it is sold. Condoms used to be made of natural skin (including lambskin) or of rubber. That’s why they were called “rubbers”. Most condoms today are latex or polyurethane.

Lambskin condoms can prevent pregnancy, however, they have tiny holes (pores) that are large enough for HIV to get through. Lambskin condoms do not prevent the spread of HIV.  Latex is the most common material for condoms. Viruses can not penetrate thought the latex but latex has two drawbacks: oils make it fall apart, and some people are allergic to latex. There generally are three sizes available and size differences are subtle.

Non - Lubricated - Old style that has been around forever - these are best used for oral sex.

Plain - Lubed - These are standard-shaped lubricated condoms.

Thin & Sensitive - These are designed for people who feel that the standard condoms do no provide enough feeling.

Spermicidal- These are designed to add another level of protection against pregnancy. Nonoxynol-9 is a chemical that kills sperm (a spermicide). It can help prevent pregnancy when it is used in the vagina along with condoms or other birth control methods. Nonoxynol-9 should not be used in the mouth or rectum.  Because nonoxynol-9 kills HIV in the test tube, it was considered as a way to prevent HIV infection during sex. Unfortunately, many people are allergic to it. Their sex organs (penis, vagina, and rectum) can get irritated and develop small sores that actually make it easier for HIV infection to spread. Nonoxynol-9 is not recommended as a way to prevent HIV infection.

Extra Strength - These are the heavy duty industrial variety.

Large- As the name implies these are for the well endowed.

Extra Roomy - Designed to fit a bit looser that some people find increases the sensation and with a reservoir tip.

Flavored - Perfect for oral sex otherwise, the flavors would go to waste.

Textured- These are the fun ones designed to add some additional stimulation.

Polyurethane- Designed for people who are allergic to latex.  A latex allergic reaction can be fatal.  The symptoms can show up as a simple red rash or something more severe.  If you have ever had a reaction to wearing a band-aid then your probably have a latex allergy and should consider using only polyurethane condoms.

Female Condoms - These are designed to be inserted in the vagina before sex. The sheath contains a flexible ring on each end. One ring is inserted into the vagina and helps hold it in place. The outer ring stays outside the body. This can help prevent the female condom from getting pushed into the vagina. Each item comes with extra water-based lubricant and instructions.

Dental Dams - Specially designed as a barrier for use while performing cunnilingus (oral/vaginal sex) and rimming (oral/anal sex) or kissing (someone who has been rimming).  When properly used they may help reduce the risk of catching or spreading many sexually transmitted diseases. However, they cannot entirely eliminate the risk.